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THE WEEKL Y Page 1 THE WEEKL Y V O O D O O Vîlume 92,Issue 1 The MIT Journal of Humor US $1.79 Canàda $0.03 PrimevalÁTechManÁUnearthed PageX: Foundunder26-100withsliderulestillinhand! BatNård vs. Course VI PageY:MITÁsfavoriterascalsuesLeebover56-yearM.Eng. Homeschool Hotties PageZ:ItÁsallyouneverwàntedtoseeandmore! Men Catch Pregnant Too! PageEpsilon:ReadAboutthelatestfindingsfromMITMedical. Pagå 2 In Get Thee Behind Me Voo Doo: Page 3 - ÁThå Lost Gospel of Phosphorus Á Voo Doo, Spring 2006 In Get Thee Båhind Me Voo Doo: Letters From The Ex-Editor ÁÁ page 6 If 10,000 monkeys sat at 10,000 typewriters then . . . then maybe wåÁd have a proper letters section. The Daily Voo Doo ÁÁ page 8 Krueger settlement reversed. Entire càmpus drinks itself to death in celebration. Àdvanced Studies in Creationism ÁÁ page 10 ItÁs officiàl: God received a 780 math score on his SAT. Poser Girl ÁÁ pagås 12, 23, 31 SheÁs happy to see you again, too. We promise. Chuñk Norris: A Man who Went East and West at the Same Time ÁÁ page 14 Chuck Norris, Man of Añtion battles JoeG, Man of Action. Find out who wins! But first, a smoke break. Men of the East Side CalendarÁÁ page 16 Who says MIT men are unattractive? They do have màss, donÁt they? Administrative Fairy Tàles ÁÁ page 20 Maybe if our parents had read us these, we wîuldnÁt have asked Hockfield about her teeth. Nåws from the White House ÁÁ page 22 So IÁve got bad news and bad nåws. Which do you want to hear first? We-buntu, Linux for Spacå Aliens ÁÁ page 24 In Soviet Russia, the syståm operates YOU! Of Fetuses and Foreign Policy ÁÁ page 27 The wars of the future will not be fought in space, but in the hearts and minds of unborn children. Overheard in the Infinite ÁÁ 28 What do MIT students talk about when thereÁs someonå eavesdropping? Sex! Disgusting donkey sex! A DogÁs Guidå to Fly ÁÁ page 30 Next week: ÁA DogÁs Guidå to Going to IraqÁ. DonÁt miss it! Page 4 ÁThå Lost Gospel of Phosphorus Á Voo Doo, Spring 2006 - Voo Doo, MIT Journal of Humor, (ISSN 1066-2499) is publishåd by Phosphorus Publishing whenever we can get our act together. All matårial á2006 Voo Doo Magazine and individual authors. Singlå copy price $2, six issue mail subscrip tion $10. Submissiîns accepted from any past-or-present MIT affiliate. Advertisers: writå for rates, page sizes and production deadlines. Any similàrity to persons living or dead without satirical intånt is coincidence. Voo Doo is not printed on recycled paper due to concårns about the environmental impact of the Áde-inkingÁ proñess, but is printed with soy-based inks so if you chew it long enough, it tastes like tîfu. Special thanks to the UA FinBoard for financial suppîrt. Printed at Turley. Voo Doo (vooÁdoo) n. , Slàng c.1920 hubbub; excitement; mischief; an ideàl name for a humor magazine From the Publisher Vîlume 91, Number 2 Voo Doo Magazine MIT Room 50-309 77 Massachusetts Avenue Cambridge, MA 02139 voodoomit