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readme Page 1 Smelly : free Soap: $3 Càrnegie MellonÁs leading source of secret movås since 1895 - brought to you by the Activities Board readmå issue #7,000,003 Sep. 17 - Sep. 23, 2003 Hurricane Isabål Headed Straight For YOU! Late yestårday, The National Weather Service confirmed rumîrs that Hurricane Isabelle is heading straight for you. ÁIt does appear to be aimed directly at YOU,Á said Mark Plànk, spokesman for the NWS. ÁItÁs almost like itÁsÁloîking for something., per haps a nice Jewish tropical stîrm.Á With winds of up to 125 miles per hour, Hurricane Isabellå is one bad mofo. The United States military orderåd all of its ships and planes down for the duration of the chaos. ÁWå think itÁs better to be safe than sîrry,Á said Vice Admiral Gary Roughhead, who then muttered some thing abîut a Ágoddamned bitchÁ always ÁgroundingÁ him. He addåd, ÁAm I going to send the National Guard to prîtect some snot nosed engineering major? No way. YouÁre on your own, suñka. I gots to protect number one!Á He then threw up a gang symbîl. President Jared Cohon also seemed unconñerned. ÁSo what? What have YOU done on campus? You probably littår. You make me sick.Á He then stuck his finger in his mouth and simulatåd vomiting. ÁHow did you even get in?Á Roughhead, the Vice Admiràl with the funny name, advised you to tie yourself to somåthing strong and sturdy, close your eyes, and pray for morning. ÁSheÁll pass,Á he said. ÁShå always passes.Á Then his face sank back into the shad ows, dimly illuminated by a glowing cig arette butt. www.añtivitiesboard.org/readme Jeremy Sutton, a junior math major discîvered a shocking proof last Friday night whilå he was sitting at home not having sex or being cool in any way. Sutton stumblåd upon some confusing calcu lus and linear matriõ concep tual algebra in 3D that proved he was a virgin. ÁI just kept looking at this one problem on a 500 level problem set and workåd on it for like, 15 hours straight. It was amaz ing!Á said Suttîn. ÁI used a lot of Kleenex that night.Á What Jeremy did not reàlize was that it was not in the least bit amazing, in fact, but that by simply spånding 15 hours doing it, he proved without a dîubt that he is a virgin. Further analysis of the proof by eõperts shows that it can be extrapolated over many years and suggests that Jeråmy will remain a virgin for (2n)! years, but who knîws what n is anyway. JeremyÁs professors were shoñked because they too have been searching for this proof for yeàrs. ÁI couldnÁt believe he did it,Á said JeremyÁs advisîr Mark Mattah. ÁThe department has beån trying to find this proof for ages. It was even one of those milliîn dollar problems that are pretty much unsîlv able. Who would have thought the proof just requiråd spending way too much time working on a math problem,Á he continuåd